If was around 4 years ago, I lost one of the closest friendships in my life.
It was suffocating. I tried to make amends and stay in presence to show that I still care, but the silence, the pretence of my nonexistence and the amount of hatred I received from this, left me stranded, utterly lost. Suffocated; I was unable to speak my words of care, of emotion and love, in fear of a rejection I cannot fathom.
I promised myself I will amend the friendship, but it just shattered and left a traumatic scar in my heart. It never healed, you grew further away, and the emotions remained, kept inside me.
The scar persists 4 years later, I still feel the suffocation I felt. I can’t bring myself to show and speak my care, my concern to the ones I love and like; for the fear of rejection freezes me. Even though no one realises it, and as a result the ones who I care for don’t realise my care, this burden of suffocation become a weight I bear in my chest.
I want to show that I care. I do not want to retreat from the thoughts of rejection. I want to speak all that I can without double-taking. I am a trapped voice inside my head and heart, where no one can hear me and I can’t even breathe. I want people to know I care. I want to let my voice out. I want to stop worrying, and I want people to know that I am not like this. That I am flawed, hyperactive and ridiculous, a person who talks fluffy stuff and is full of affection.
How can I expect people to know how I truly feel, when all they see is a friend, quiet, but the truth is there so much i want to say. I like you, and I have so much care I want to show. Why does the trauma resurface here and this suffocation feeling return? I wish my voice will just flow out of my mouth, without me second guessing and suffocating myself in the abyss of my mind. Theres so much I want to say to you, and how i wish I could be me around you, to show you the REAL me. But I like you, and that brings a fear of rejection, a memory that left a scar.
To E, I hope one day I will have the courage to overcome this barrier and speak my mind to you. I like you, and I don’t want to stumble and freeze before you anymore. Its not even your doing,l that made me like this, which is funny, because i end up distraught for no reason and you won’t understand or realise. All that I wish to say, trapped in my mind, lost in the sea of doubt. There so much I could say, we could be great friends. We still can, so I will keep trying, and overcome this emotion. I want you to know my true feelings, even if you don’t feel the same way, that you are still a friend I love. I wish to be myself around you, and without any fear of rejection from you anymore.
To V, we are strangers now. I never expected things to turn this way, perhaps the circumstances were just against us, but how could you leave me so trapped? It is not your fault, but it really hurt. I believe this trauma will fade away as I gain refound trust and love in everyone around me. I see that you’re doing fine too. It’s time I let you go, and let life really start going with me being me again.
Now, everything around me has come to a peaceful lovely life. Everything is fine, all theres left is for me to overcome my trauma. All I need is to slowly accustom myself back to the love and care that everyone reciprocates, without any insecurity and just feel vulnerable.
Yes, I can do this.
It’s time to be who I really am; it is time to move on. I can, I will, and I will grow from this experience and open up my heart with the world around me.