It’s been awhile since I’ve written. Perhaps the one thing I’ve learnt is that many things change with time. All these feelings, heartache, uncertainties, seemingly overwhelming thoughts, experiences and journeys, are cemented in time, memory and emotion. This past year has been an incredible ride both positive and ne. Alright this was the paragraph I left hanging and carried on writing, but I really can’t complete it (too tired) so just read on.
Right now, I’m mildly “drunk” from the fever incurred by the booster jab. Little did I know the booster jab would knock me so hard. I’m completely lethargic, hardly thinking. I feel like a drunk airhead, but with lethargy instead of euphoria, pretty shitty feeling. So whatever I write here might be a ramble, unstructured prose, but that’s the point of this blog right. Who will read this, why do I write this. Will anyone read this one day, and will that matter? It feels that I’ve been conditioned to think everything I do outward should have value or influence. Should be easy to read so people will actually read. That if one day someone reads this, they don’t get a bad idea of me. Perhaps this self-consciousness is what I struggle with the most. Well, that’s a topic for another day. Didn’t expect this ramble to become this long.
Theres plenty of things to write about, plenty of things to reflect and think back on in the past year. It’s crazy to think so much transpired and it’s also the year that I didn’t work for most of it. Funny how having no work gave me more time to muse and go through events, thoughts and moments that I found so much more impactful than, well, the years where I spend working. Not that I’ve worked for very long.
Then again, I’m a little lazy to write about all the things to reflect on, I just don’t have that capacity right now. I realise I’m no saint. I’m a flawed human being like many others, having said and done certain things that I find now stupid, immature or just wrong, and I’m scared to death that people dislike me for who I was, or friends dislike me then and therefore don’t speak to me anymore. I’m kidding. I know everyone is busy with life, and things can get overwhelming. It’s normal. And that means not having time for some friends. I’ve been there. This is no doubt a reflection of an insecurity within me instead, partly by being in a household of friends who I don’t really jive the best with, makes me wonder if I’m likeable. I would believe I am, but sometimes things can eat at your confidence. I would like to think I’ve come to understand myself a lot better since last year, but I still feel I have a lot of doubts and insecurities. The more I understand things, the more I realise how fragile, how… broken I am? I’m definitely still functioning, albeit well, but it sure takes a toll on me. I realise how I yearn to feel like I mean something to people more than just a normal friend – I guess ultimately, I’m an extrovert, and I need that care and concern. Or rather, I wish to be cared for, to feel like I’m liked, and not disliked. Not a shadow.
Meeting new people these days cause insecurities to run through my head. Projecting actions onto people, worrying about being judged and talked down, or just being denied my advances. These things poke at me and end up making me worry about it even more when I feel like I didn’t make a good enough impression. It’s like I’m always on a lookout for people who I can jive with, but my fear of being not likeable holds me back. I don’t even think my housemates dislike or hate me, but with all the arguments, judgements, snaking, and also certain views they have that I don’t really agree with, make it hard for me to feel like I’m liked. Since they all jive together. Perhaps its because when I’m sick they don’t really seem to care, or when I’m home they would have dinner outside together without me. Then again, its not like I particularly enjoy having dinner with them, but that was when things were more rocky. Now that its better, I still feel excluded. I remember once, I went out to settle my own dinner, suspicious that they were having dinner, only to spot them at a restaurant. If they saw me, that would’ve been awkward. So I dodged. I guess it does suck feeling like you’re not appreciated. And that they seem to appreciate each other. Seems like a meaningless struggle I’m in, so I’m probably going to move out if I do accept a local offer, instead of going to UK. It’s sad because we were friends, better friends I feel, but now I feel like I’m treated like a chore. I guess people have certain ways and styles of living, and I don’t fit in theirs. I prefer open-minded, wholesome environments. They seem to tend towards traditional parenting, casting judgement, being in charge / being in the right. Of course I’m saying all the bad things and there are good too, but I guess I just don’t feel like I’m in a healthy environment for me. Living here has also taught me a lot, I’ve grown up a lot, without doubt many thanks to them some of who are older and more experienced in household living, but I can feel the projected household way of living they prefer, and I just don’t jive so much with it.
Another thing I realised, from being bullied back in secondary school, feeling hated from a friend I cared a lot for, I perhaps have lived and formed relationships and put myself in situations that a person without such experiences would not put themselves into or treat themselves so. I really wish to leave all this behind, move forward treating myself as a full, healthy, whole human, deserving of love, care and respect as any other human being. But it won’t be easy, without a doubt. It’s almost chronic, and I’ve seen how certain negative patterns have evolved into subliminal chronic behaviours others put themselves into because they are so used to it. It might not be an easy thing to shake off. But if any thing is true, I am now certain I want to live hence forth treating myself better, others better, and build healthy relationships, including any romantic ones I may have. I seek a partner I can be healthy with. I no longer want to treat myself with toxic mentality, and recognise situations of negativity and toxicity. The meme “Don’t project your trauma and traumatise others” popped up in my head. I believe a healthy balance exists, and if I am not in one, I can choose to be in one. There’s so many people to meet out there, so many lives and experiences to befriend and be told, so I’ll keep an open mind and not be too influenced by individuals.
That turned out to be one mega rant. Onto another topic, I wonder if I will go London. At this point, I’m really on the fence, and I have no idea which I will tip towards. If I do move, it will be a complete uproot, good bye to a country I’ve been in for so many years, to a country thats foreign, less safe, less ties. What was once glamorous, exciting, now seems scary, uncertain. On a side note, I also realise how fragile, how inessential I might be, and how mortal I am. I could go tomorrow, and that’ll be the last of my life, my journeys, my experience. What will be left of me? My parents will cry, my friends will sad. Who will keep me in mind years after my passing? What meaning have I brought? Perhaps this is why I feel.. lonely. Living here without my parents, I wonder who do I matter to. Do I care more about people because I really do, or because I feel a need for connection and meaning? I realise how much I hold on to friendships because perhaps I feel like I am just a gust against the grass without people that truly care. I wish to be seen as a human being for all my flaws and values, and loved for that. I’m thankful for the friendships I have now, thanks to which I still feel loved – and I want them to feel the same. What will happen if I move to London? Will I start anew? Will I still be friends? I guess I’m scared of losing friendships I have now. Will I be able to forge friendships like the ones I have now.. or how many friendships do I have now that I feel this way? I keep thinking about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
Alright. That’s alot of ramble for a day and I think I still have fever. I probably wouldn’t proof read through this, except maybe complete the first paragraph I’ve left hanging. Maybe I should be writing to my future self. To my future self, I don’t know how readable this is, or how cringe this whole prose might turn out. But I hope wherever you are, you love yourself, you love others, and you have people you hold close and dear, and people who hold you close and dear. That you live each day with gratitude and health. And I hope the friends we have now, you still love them and they hold you dear too. Friends you are still friends with till old will be lovely. Can you imagine we are 50 and still friends? That will be awesome. The nostalgia, the camaraderie, the brother/sisterhoods. Alright. I completely digressed. I wonder if I will go London or stay. What a decision. How exciting.
Of worlds we live in; 