Moving Forward

It’s 5.40am, and I find myself unable to sleep. So much has transpired since the last post. So much.

I have graduated from university. Gone on my graduation trip to Europe. Done steps in my education milestones that I’d only ponder on back in the earlier days of university, back in JC and secondary. Survived through capstone and all the examinations. Cheered and recounted memories at graduation with friends and family.

Yet now that I graduated, it feels different. So much has changed. Like the gates of the castle opened for us to soar and explore. Yet also gone are the safety catch you if you fall, I’ll watch over yous. If university was the baby step, then this, this is the first big step. We are now responsible of our own futures and goals. And perhaps I can slowly feel the weight of being a working graduate on my shoulders. But I’ll be OK. Uncertainty? Definitely. This is the start of a new beginning. I’m excited, nervous, and I will do my best. Knowing I have the loving support of friends and family, that I am not alone. Let’s make it best and conquer new heights.

Relationships… we’ll see how that goes. Am I mature? Must I? I do not know if I am making the right choices every time. And at times, I don’t make choices I know I wanted to. But I should give myself some space for uncertainty, for chance. It might not work out, but I feel I should still try.

And I’m glad I let it out, the stories of my past. It was nice to say it all out, cohesively more so than before. I think it’s time to move on. I think I’m ready. Let’s move onwards, move forward 🙂

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Addicted to distraction

Have we forgotten what its like to have no phones; to not have the need to constantly occupy ourselves?

I was using my phone, having looked through my mails, my social media, and my updates. I sighed and thought to myself. Why isn’t there anything to do?

And that’s when I caught myself.

Why must there be something to do? Why am I looking for something to occupy my mind? We have become addicted to having something to distract ourselves.

The irony is, despite the declining attention span, or how easily we are distracted, we seem to want something to constantly occupy our attention. We’ve forgotten what’s it like to pause and focus on the people and the world around us.

A night’s downpour 

Reading a sad article
Of serendipity and memory
A (un) forgotten love and past friend
It’s life’s ever present memories.
As I pen a caption for a share,

The rain falls
Outside my window on a 2am morning.
A comforting, nostalgic sound.

Just like the memories from a blog I just revisited,
Before I read this article.
How I chance upon this after revisiting the blog.
How it rains suddenly as I type.

It’s curious
How sometimes reading the past can become so poignant
You want to go back.
To the energy and love of those days
As they exudes from the lines and pictures.
Familiar faces, familiar groups from long before.

And the oh too familiar emotions and bonds
encaptured into these photos.
The emotions sealed into words,
As though they were spoken in present.

As the rain turns downpour
Oh how I miss those times.
They turn from great times
Into nostalgic memories of the days

A mind’s reflections on a quiet evening.
It’s beautiful, poignant and slightly sad.
Regrets and treasured memories.

What a beautiful feeling. And a beautiful downpour tonight.

Saturday late night muses

Thank goodness Monday is holiday. There should be more weekends like this. 

Getting up off bed to switch off the light at 5am as usual. It’s becoming a weird habit recently, to hit the bed really tired without switching off the light then waking up automatically at 5 to groggily get up and switch it off. 

And this time, after drinking a cup of water, somehow I’m left awake, my stomach expending too much energy for me to sleep. 

So I muse. 

Muse about the things that happened and are happening. Go on Instagram to see many whom I’ve not met in a long time, and their colorful lives. Muse about the whys and why didn’t I, the could haves.

What will be of tomorrow? Used to go all out for competitions, be happy go lucky, love being with people. Now I’m all to finding stability, finding chill, finding someone to build a relationship with.

I guess it’s because it’s a time of instability. We’re all not too sure where we are headed to in our lives. Sure we know where we are going, career and all. Some more so then others. But the thought that university will soon come to an end, life would soon take a huge turn. Miss making friends without worrying about anything. Since when did worrying about what others thought become such a big deal to so much of my life? Wish I had the confidence towards certain things (like my hair). Stop having such thoughts on unconfidence. Is that a word? Wish I could make more girl <space> friends easily hah! (and girlfriend) But to think on the bright side, many trails in life turned out good. Life is better and I am thankful.

Anddd the sun rise just happened and I think I missed it typing this. Well time to bed and check it out. Good night and good morning you kind human reading this 🙂

I love you! And whatever struggling you’re going through, may you come out braver and kinder.   A

(edit: writing is therapeutic!)

Head high, steadfast.

Its been awhile since I came back here. So much has happened – life’s like that. How much will things change the next time I return?

One thing is clear, and I’m glad – that is to the many things I worried about and the uncertainties; they all worked out. Alot of things remained hectic; there were many firsts; there were many restarts and much doubts with bravery. I’ve come to realise and accept that many of my insecurities are but internal, imaginary. Many wonderful and serendipitous things happened – and I wonder how much more things will grow.

I wholeheartedly wish things will lift up through this sometimes wavering and uncertain but always determined, unbelievable and often serendipitous, changing journey.

Let’s also not forget the wonderful things that we love, as we move forward head high, steadfast.

We continue to learn in life’s journey.

– Alan

Dont know what I feel about her.
I like her.
After so long, it took me so long to realise my irrational behaviour when I with her, or towards her.

What should I do?

I think I just have to be myself. Stop thinking things too much, and take life step by step, slowly.

Overcome

If was around 4 years ago, I lost one of the closest friendships in my life.

It was suffocating. I tried to make amends and stay in presence to show that I still care, but the silence, the pretence of my nonexistence and the amount of hatred I received from this, left me stranded, utterly lost. Suffocated; I was unable to speak my words of care, of emotion and love, in fear of a rejection I cannot fathom.
I promised myself I will amend the friendship, but it just shattered and left a traumatic scar in my heart. It never healed, you grew further away, and the emotions remained, kept inside me.

The scar persists 4 years later, I still feel the suffocation I felt. I can’t bring myself to show and speak my care, my concern to the ones I love and like; for the fear of rejection freezes me. Even though no one realises it, and as a result the ones who I care for don’t realise my care, this burden of suffocation become a weight I bear in my chest.

I want to show that I care. I do not want to retreat from the thoughts of rejection. I want to speak all that I can without double-taking. I am a trapped voice inside my head and heart, where no one can hear me and I can’t even breathe. I want people to know I care. I want to let my voice out. I want to stop worrying, and I want people to know that I am not like this. That I am flawed, hyperactive and ridiculous, a person who talks fluffy stuff and is full of affection.

How can I expect people to know how I truly feel, when all they see is a friend, quiet, but the truth is there so much i want to say. I like you, and I have so much care I want to show. Why does the trauma resurface here and this suffocation feeling return? I wish my voice will just flow out of my mouth, without me second guessing and suffocating myself in the abyss of my mind. Theres so much I want to say to you, and how i wish I could be me around you, to show you the REAL me. But I like you, and that brings a fear of rejection, a memory that left a scar.

To E, I hope one day I will have the courage to overcome this barrier and speak my mind to you. I like you, and I don’t want to stumble and freeze before you anymore. Its not even your doing,l that made me like this, which is funny, because i end up distraught for no reason and you won’t understand or realise. All that I wish to say, trapped in my mind, lost in the sea of doubt. There so much I could say, we could be great friends. We still can, so I will keep trying, and overcome this emotion. I want you to know my true feelings, even if you don’t feel the same way, that you are still a friend I love. I wish to be myself around you, and without any fear of rejection from you anymore.

To V, we are strangers now. I never expected things to turn this way, perhaps the circumstances were just against us,  but how could you leave me so trapped? It is not your fault, but it really hurt. I believe this trauma will fade away as I gain refound trust and love in everyone around me. I see that you’re doing fine too. It’s time I let you go, and let life really start going with me being me again.

Now, everything around me has come to a peaceful lovely life. Everything is fine, all theres left is for me to overcome my trauma. All I need is to slowly accustom myself back to the love and care that everyone reciprocates, without any insecurity and just feel vulnerable.
Yes, I can do this.

It’s time to be who I really am; it is time to move on. I can, I will, and I will grow from this experience and open up my heart with the world around me.